Notes to Self

Page

NOTES TO SELF

Weaponless, and cast adrift in raging storm waters
That rendered my shelter into wreckage
Spirit damagedclouds
By the sudden setting of a Son of Sol
To rise me up with a true smile
And tables turned into styles beautiful
To pattern dancefloors with fractals of footsteps
Mystic Natural
Skills Divine
Well know throughout nine villages
Until things fell apart, and so

I bled notes to self in bright red pen
In the fractured sense of Okonkwo
Blood backing up whiplike tubes that roped me up
Captive to a metallic post capped by a plastic sack of suspicious fluid
Veins fully plugged, defenses numb, drugged and barely lucid

I spiralled gracelessly down into disk herniation hell
For nine crooked daze of tribulation
Pumped with doses of lyrica, in a haze of decidedly unlyrical sedation
Praising the Lord for dilaudid
Traumatized despite the blessed effects of tramacet
Senseless, sentenced to self-pity and solitary bedrest
Trapped motion less, with no master plan, just a bedpan
Beeps and bells the white noise drowning out signals from my muse
Bent spine sliced, stapled up, aching and bruised
Mentally feeling the scene with my nephew, spirit double
Both of us under house arrest
Contemplating concepts of justice twisted, ever-present threats
Of ankle bracelets, aka shackles
Unsaved, yet raving for a seemingly brazen eternity
Unnamed lives too full of a mumbo jumbo vitality
To matter in a game of statistics with odds fixed, and wagered
with limited income, ass-out minimum wages
Streets in flames
Power measured in watts blacked out again and again
Energies scatted over eons of several incensed street blocks
Glass shattered over seven generations of sacred drum & beat box
Come and again

Guideless, I grabbed my ankh
Slipped through my grip, into a bottomless pit
Room spinning, mind reeling, sober nonetheless systematically drunk
My designed fragrance stunk
Offered no water, only malt liquor to power my dunk
Recalling lost big heavy tunes, thugged out panther-sons and street gurus
And wards powerless to the fifth
Blown to bits in sludge and filth
Down to the delta, with Iroquois principles corrupted
In paranoia to give name to unreconstructed facts
Degenerated to plantation flags waving out the back
Of pickup trucks, revved up proud as sociopaths

Deeper south
Down to soil grains of meaning rolled deeply in the river mouth
Down to undiscovered sounds that SAMO saw, the source, the core
Of genius, Johnson, Joplin and anonymous griots come before
From there, I followed stellar trails of ancient gourds
Up the Mississippi to decimated earth mounds
Rounded into numerals similar to sums of temples found in Kush
Rode currents swinging fluid as dancehall riddims, they pulled and pushed
I was moved to the marrow
So I grooved on, up through mahogany depths to where the banks narrowed
Till I reached the pyramids at Memphis, my tensions steeped in so many steps
It fucked up my intellect
Splintered fingers on the edge of my congas, infected my compass
Slashed forever deeply, recalling Kigali, so I created sambas and kompa
Soukous and zouk-la
My twin danced frenetically in tandem to limbo and soca
Descended from mathematical prodigy into dementia
Nerves unravelled to cover the circumference of both tropics
Roots fibres, thick as provisions, his breathing strangled, myopic
Barely there yet responding nou-la when I asked him
Ignoring the hoop-la, far from the madness
Emotions frozen, thoughts wet
Hope jewelled, glittering, yet spent and emptied, in captive debt
Coffers dry, treasure chest heaving, through eons of peonage
Seeking a neon age to sooth my neo-rage
My sons were my salvation, and my daughters mis-pronounced Nneka
Cuz they reigned supreme
Raining Sun Ra rays
I was amazed the burden was not too heavy for their infinite beings
I looked into the afterlife, thinking I might read my story backwards from the ending
To better understand the beginning
So I could straddle worlds with my words

But the atlas wobbled
I lost sensation in my left foot, the neural science was too tangled
The jargon mangled my utterances, left me stuttering and effectively hobbled
My sense of humour condensed into one-liners parading as timeless parables
Dead-panned, self-referential and deadpooled
Threads of a plot began to unspool
The smell of fear was palpable
Uneasy as elders in proverbs when dry bones are mentioned
My anxieties unclenched
And I drenched my frail, rail-thin possibilities in chemicals to solve my ADD, but
It drove me damn near suicidal, targeted by pesticide, deep down terrified, DDT
Determined to stultify and recombine by duh, duh, duh, DNA
My internal organs wailed Marvin Gaye sad and profane
Gospels bluesing Buddy Bolden notes wild and insane to my genetic make-up
My shit so untogether, trapped in a crack addicts withered physical frame
Head laid diagonally on a pillow of concrete, jarred half-awake
To scratch and lurch crazily to the breaks
So I took my endless faith bravely to church
But the evangelist wanted my very essences, he wanted me to
Sacrifice my melanin, blinding me to the consequences
I could not stomach his fetishes, slick as earth abomination
Nor manage to testify, I had no dollars nor enough sense for donation
Only scrunting, hustling, grubbing, flossing, trapping, ranting and raving
Vocals raked over coals of ganja blooms, residues wrapped round my brown fingertips
To my half-raised fist
To my ashy knuckles
That drew from the audience mere boos peppered with chuckles

Broken, my knees buckled, and I lunged into nothingness
Intense hunger invaded my consciousness
Convinced me to swim miles cross a dry river
Through sewage that cleansed me
For my entry into a bush of jumbies
With eyes like headlights, they tried to dress me up colourfully
After using various torture devices designed to playfully enslave me
In a deflected history of secret societies
Mouth scruffy, locks dreaded electric, personality split ended
Into roots untraceable, identities uncardable, in a walking dream
Lion-like, I had to unwaken, mane shaken, my memory all but extinct
I looked to my burning books
Vague morality tales ablaze, with cloudy logic
Leaving charred scripts imploding in puffs of ashy text
I could not swallow it
Nor could my conscience breathe through the smoke screens
I had to break free, so I hit ground level
Pursued by popstar appetite devils
They could not satisfy my salty thirst
Brain bursting into tears
It created a wet season
With liquid songs intoned in delectable frequencies
Beating polyrhythms on galvanize
Compressed my bloated ego into fetal positions
Where I chrysalized
And emerged a blinded warrior, nourished with ammunition
Stormed fortresses and followed the call of Ouverture and Dessaline
Formulated kreole fused into the curves of conch shells to summon tribes from soufriere and point saline
North to Charleston, and on to Jerusalem
Over Turner and angels not ironically named Gabriel
Clapped in irons, to much applause, painted mountains indigo shades of blue
Marooned skins, violet contused, thru
Displaced Ashanti generals named Nanny and Quashi
Praised in epic poems by chantuelles
Compelled to chant well into dawn in guerilla cells
Accompanied by chain rattles
And whipcrack percussion of iron sections punctuated by shackles

My sensory deprivation so bellyful of mental malnutrition, it
Made my threshold of pain distended, my skull rephrased into shapes of
Graffiti sprayed onto ouija games
That foretold barely audible visions, of syphilis injections
On towns of POW airmen speaking harsh versions
Of Ga and Fanti
Driven off course and parachuted into Vietnamese jungles
Bathed a grim shade of pumpkin
And ites crimson, gold and green hues bleeding
Deathly through scarred but defiantly broad-leaved trees
Where they left sketches of liberation in born-again Moorish scrolls
Lodged in Buddhist temples, I could only meditate upon but not decode
My un-fucking-navigated globe closing in to crush the laughter
Spread my wings to grin deeper, and recover back to health
Held in secrets of deep breath, down-to-the-vertbrae vibrations felt
In red penned
Notes to self

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